I don’t care what anyone says. Texas is full of fat women with dyed blonde hair and construction. Houston may be the worst city on Earth, outside of Detroit.

Austin was a neat town. I found an A&W restaurant, and the tap root beer was ace.

So necessary.

I stayed at a hostel just south of the river. I met some cool kids from around the world there, and one night we headed down to 6th Street. Shenanigans abound.

Israeli Soldier, cool Aussie

6th Street madness.

There’s another story that happened here, which I will reveal at a later date.

The next night, I made it to a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament at a newly opened Play ‘N Trade. Little did I know when I entered, most of these guys knew each other and traveled around the state playing in various tournaments. I did pretty well. I made it to the third round and lost to one of the veterans, but he was real cool because he lent me his controller. And, I must say, it was a wicked close match between his Metaknight and my Snake. It was double elimination, so I was sent to the loser’s bracket, which I eventually won, and worked my way back into the overall semifinals. Another player’s Snake snakedashed the shit out of my Snake, so I was done for.

Hither, Navi. Hither.

My last stop in Austin was their botanic gardens. Unsurprisingly, they had an abundance of cacti on display. Here’s something a bit prettier:

I continued my travels through Texas and posted up in a town called Junction. On the way there, the brilliant intellect was revealed to me through this simple road sign:

This was also "lol" inducing.

I was finally done with Texas. I took my world tour to New Mexico, where I saw some things I had never seen before.

Cut like a buffalo.

So far, I am enjoying New Mexico. I’ve been to the Carlsbad Caverns (twice), picked up DJ Grand, and am fully on my way to destroying the state’s sewer system, one toilet at a time.

Another victim of my Tex Mex onslaught clogged to the rim.

What does this sedimentary formation look like to you?

As you can see, I am having a phenomenal time in the Chihuahuan Desert.