I wanted to learn how to surf for the past month, so I went out and did it.

The problem, I realized after the first week, is that you need to have waves to surf in order to actually surf. Here in Florida’s Gulf Coast, there are rarely any waves.

Fuck it, I told myself. I’m going to learn as much as I can.

And learn I did. For the past two weeks, I studied  YouTube videos like a fucking pro for  surf tutorials. I asked around the local surf shops on how to prepare, to which they responded, “swim, balance, and YouTube.” Nice, I thought. I can watch YouTube with the best of them. I know how to swim already, so that was crossed off the list. The rest of the week was spent balancing on Bosu balls at the gym, and watching more YouTube videos. I practiced pop-ups from the ground, (I am “regular-footed,” meaning that I lead with my left foot first, as opposed to my right, which is called “goofy-footed.”), and rode some Vew-Do boards without totally busting my ass. A couple more YouTube videos on my bed and a few more pop-ups and I was ready to go. Right?

Fucking right. On Saturday afternoon, I rented a board and hit the shores. I knew and I didn’t care that there weren’t supposed to be any waves in Florida- I just wanted to learn the very basics about balancing on the board, and if I could get lucky, maybe catch a wave. As it turns out, the first day I went out, there were plenty of waves from an oncoming  storm. The time was right, and I dove in with my rental board.

The water was fine, the waves were abundant, but I only lasted  less than an hour. I couldn’t make it anymore- for some reason,  my stomach felt like it was on fire. Why was my stomach burning so much?

Throughout all of my discovery, not a single surfer,  surf video, or surf shop owner bothered to mention board rash to me. Being that I  have the chest hair of a Greek god, it would have been nice to know that the wax on the board was going to rip me apart, in addition to the waves. WHY DID THEY ASSUME I WOULD ALREADY HAVE A SPECIAL BILLABONG SURF SHIRT?

Check out the damage after the second day. Even my nips are burnt.

I went back out on Sunday to find no waves, but my balance was plenty better. I’m going to let my nipples heal for the next week, and then I’ll do it again!